have you ever considered that you lead yourself on the most?
you become so attached to the idea of being with a person..
you imagine being with them and plan dates and little events with them in your head..
you build a whole new fantasy world with them in it and everything just seems so perfect that you dont want to leave..
it somehow leaves you wishing it was real!
but
when you face every single day without that person, it's only you who feels the devotion.
that empty feeling you get when you face reality.. the truth!
in the end, it's you breaking your own little fragile heart.

emotions

   emotions. ever wondered what they are and how they affect your lives? well, i've been thinking a lot about it lately. emotions control one's thinking, bahaviour and actions. for most of us especially me, i admit that i let my emotions take over my life everyday. and it isnt long before i realise that this has to come to an end. trust me, i have tried but ignoring your feelings doesnt get rid of anything. it gets a lot worst actually. the only key to the solution is by learning to control them.
 
   when i have a difficult or painful experience, i find myself unable to cope with the pain. i get scared of it. i overthink. i dismiss this situation by keeping myself busy. i pretend nothing has happened. honestly, it takes up a lot of energy keeping this emotion repressed and buried.
 
    as i was browsing the net, i looked up on controlling one's emotion and came across this :

~ symptoms of repressed emotions ~

fatigue

depression without an apparent cause

pretending something doesnt matter when deep inside it does matter

blowing up over minor incidents

lack of ambition or motivation

lethargic

"who cares" attitude

laughing on the outside but crying on the inside

troubled relationships with family or friends

eating food loaded with sugar and fat

excessive tv or reading

constantly analyzing

etc.

   my present actions are like a mixture of response to past and present event. part of me says i cannot be normal with my loved ones until i resolve all my emotions from the past. well, thats the difficult part. i would rather deal the pain myself. i dont want to jeopardize relationships and even worst, i dont want people to judge me! 

  

   and then i thought, why not just feel nothing? just like in grey's anatomy, to feel nothing is like a mind jumble. it leaves you in a world of blankness. you feel absolutely nothing, no pain, no anger, no happiness or sadness. NOTHING. it seem horrifying but i believe it can also be one of the best feeling in the world. am i going crazy?

   there's always ups and downs in life no? can i cope with it? keep everything buried and still have a perfectly normal happy life? cause that is exactly what i plan on doing. a friend once told me to keep smiling. well, correction, not once but a million and one time. hahaha. i guess thats what i'll do. a smile changes everything right?

   hmmmm, tomorrow will be a new day! time to be different and hopefully its for the better. :)

to being doctors-to-be

helloooooo.. ;)

came across a superbly written article.

felt the need to share it as it was just painfully beautiful! :)

p.s this article was taken from Mrigank Warrier's blog!

We who were always overachievers. Who missed the dusk of our adolescence solving multiple-choice questions.

We who began our adult lives spending alternate days with corpses. Who carry bones in our bags and books that break our backs. Who spend the prime of our youth in the grime of wards. Who have already witnessed a lifetime’s share of deaths. Who learn about depression but fail to recognise it in ourselves.

We who have no definite college hours. Who don white coats even in the heat of May. Who are accustomed to the deadweight of stethoscopes around our necks. Who will pursue likely teachers for a lesson even into the night.

We who also study law, sociology, psychology, entomology, nutrition, sanitation and statistics. Who are always between exams. Who neglect the pursuit of our other passions. Who sometimes cancel our own vacations. Who covet amphetamines.

We who touch people slathered with stools, slime and psoriasis. Who have been sprayed by every infective fluid. Who are protected from a life with HIV by the flimsy rubber of gloves. Who tempt its prolonged death every time we draw blood. Who laugh off our chances of contracting tuberculosis. Who know batchmates who have.

We who study for four-and-a-half years but intern as peons. Who graduate after our peers have finished postgraduation. Who are the last to earn first salaries. Whose parents must support us well into our twenties. Whose futures are thwarted by the government every step of the way.

We who sacrifice weekends to classes that propel us towards specialisation. Who must compete with each other for expertise you desperately need. Who will slog for years to earn the letters you look for suffixing our names.

We whose friends have designated us perpetually busy. Whose presence at family functions is always greeted with surprise. Who are sick of the question, ‘what are you going to specialise in?’

We who have befriended no non-medical person since our course began. Who are no longer with our loves from before it did. Who date each other and discuss medicine. Who will advise you to procreate before thirty but who marry after it.

We who trawl PlayStore for medical apps. Who have spent more on medical manuals than meals and movies combined. Who believe that the real problem is unregulated fertility. Who associate the first rains with malaria. Who are disillusioned by the fact that there is no health without wealth.

We who are hunted and haunted by questions that have no answers. Who feel guilty when we know less than we should. Who fear that we will never be good enough.

We who cannot round off numbers. Who are forbidden shortcuts. Who are not allowed to be judgemental. Who must help even the dregs of society.

We who cannot ever abandon logic. Who are rational but must allow for prejudices. Who have no choice but to listen.

We who will never tell you any of this.

We who really need to step back and appreciate ourselves.

superb right? :)

childhood

when i was younger, i put my arm into my shirt and told people i lost my arms.
i would restart s video game whenever i knew i was going to lose.
i would sleep with all he stuffed animals so that none of the would get offended.
i had one pen with six colours and tried to push all the buttons out at once.
i poured my soda into caps and acted like i was taking shots.
i would fake being asleep so that my dad would carry me to bed.
i used to think the moon followed my car.
i used to swallow fruit seeds and get scared thinking a tree would start growing out my tummy.
i would watch two drops of rain roll down the window and pretend it was a race.

remember when we were kids and couldnt wait to grow up?
what were we thinking?

its been six months since i started the next chapter of my life in jogja.
well, happy new year!
i've learnt a lot in the past 6 months.
life is full of ups and downs!
the studies for instance...
the content is heavy by itself.
students are just simply pressured to know everything by hook or crook.
everyone here competes to be the best!
and then there is the whole "im away from family issue"
people may seem to be happy. but no one knows if the happiness is for real or fake.
i know of a girl who still misses home badly.
she aint doing so well in her studies.
she feels the need to get amazing grades just so that she fits in.
she has trouble knowing if her friends are the right one for her.
some turned out to be bitches. some turned out fake!
i guess it is hard to find people who would be there for you 24/7 cause everyone has their own shit to deal with.
i feel sorry for that girl. guess she just has to grow up and be more independent! dont wait for anyone or anything. do every single shit by yourself!
of course, easier said than done.
but its life, and like it or not, LIFE HAS TO GO ON!
it doesnt wait for anybody.
have faith in yourself and just achieve what you want and get yourself outta here!
i know you'll be reading this.
fight for it, i believe in you!
cheers! (:

my life now in case you're wondering!

i am now an official university student.

Lol, did i jump straight to the point?

hehe, i got accepted into university gadjah mada!

in case you're wondering, this universty is situated in jogjakarta!

jogjakarta is in jawa island. it takes about 2++ hours to get here from the lcct!

UGM ( short for university gadjah mada) is one of the biggest university in indonesia.

and i am not kidding! it is HUGEEE!

well, before i go deeper into that..

thank you soo much to everyone back in msia..

to all my family members..

thank you soo much for everything!

the party was amazing. had lots of fun! definitely a night to remember. (:

and to all my friends..

thank you soo much.. i'll miss each and everyone of you..

thanks for capsules and the video was very touching! ❤ 

this picture was taken on the 26th august..

the day i left for jogja alonee.

being 18, it was definitely hard to leave home and venture out to a new place ALONE..

but all was well..

still, i do miss home very much.. :(

and now, lets get to my life in jogja...

im living in the hostel provided by the uni for the 1st year..

it is called bulaksumur residence..

it has attached bathrooms as well . (:

i have a roomie tooo..

her name is janani.

we're both doing medicine.

so, we're together most of the time! (:

our faculty is quite far from the hostel.

we can choose to either cycle or walk there!

i have not gotten a bicycle yet. so, im currently using the campus bike which works on a first come, first serve basis.

thats me cycling to my faculty! (:

and the faculty of medicine is actually very big and pretty! 

that is one of the buildings in the faculty!

the other day, i had faculty orientation.

it is called ospek or ppsmb.

it went on for about 3 days after he university orientation.

throughout ppsmb, we had a lot tasks to be completed.

it was tiring and scary BUT fun! (:

this is my "kelompok" for ppsmb! they were all very nice and helpful! 

i also met all my classmates..

there are too many names to remember but i'll survive!

i made a lot of indonesian friends.

they are all very pretty and friendly!

my classes will begin on the 17th of september..

looking forward to it.. :)

well, look what i found in jogja?

its a COTTON TREE! 

pretty aint it?

ohh, and...

see the guy with the guitar over there?

well, in jogja..

its very common to find guys like that in the street...

they do it for a living!

get what i mean? :3

well, thats it for now..

soo far, my life is okay..

despite the fact that i miss msia! (:

stay tuned! ;)

:)

life

hola.. (:

so, i was doing some serious thinking about this blog..

i admit : i rarely update it!

hmmmm, shall i delete it or not?

but then, what if i get bored?

what if i need a place to crap and bla bla bla..

so, im gona keep it. keep the blog i mean. (:

i'll update it with random stuff and "INTERESTING" stuff that goes on in my life!

so, what i've been up to this whole year?

lets seee..

i finished high school!

and i miss this class and everything else about school!

although my results didnt turn out so well, i went to college!

and i finished my foundation! (:

i met some awesome people along the way!

introducing bai and rubs.

and in case you are wondering, they're twins. 

somehow, i feel like i was destined to meet them in college cause we're going to the same uni as well.

it feels good to know that i wont be completely lost there!

i have someone i can count on. 

and if you're reading this, happy birthday in advance you both! (:

another person i met in college is this little boy here.

he is named meng kiat!

basically, he's a genius!

who practically helped me a lot! (:

im grateful to be his friend! 

and happy belated birthday! ;)

and not forgetting my golden oppurtunity to visit IJN!

the national heart institute.

if i ever become a cardiologist, i hope i get to work there! (:

and moving on, i got accepted into a university in indonesia. 

im gona be getting my M.D. in 5.5 years time! (:

and thats is where im gona be studying. 

i'll leaving in 11 days time!

sorta scay cause i dont know what to expect when im there. 

all i know, i can shop all i want cause the things are really cheap there! :P

oh, plus the whole course is in english.

i guess i'll survive! (:

i also sat for my IELTS test this year!

i think i screwed up speaking and reading! :3

lets just hope my 590 bucks is not wasted.

hoping for at least band 6! (:

and also, i lost someone i dearly love.

no matter what, life moves on.

the sad part is she has played a vital role all my life.

now...

everywhere i go or whatever i do,

im triggered by memories of her! 

and yesh, im talking about my grandma.

she passed away on the 12/6/2012. 

i miss her!

its been 2 months. :/

anyways, thats the awful thing that happened this year. 

i mean it takes time to heal when the person you love is gone right?

and..

oooo, i also went to genting. i didnt play though.

just chilled there at night.

it was an unusual yet fun experience. (:

FUN, FUN, FUN!

:P

and i also know how to use the ktm, lrt, monorail and etc..

and i drive better tooo despite not having my own car! (:

well, thats all i can think off for now.

as for "that" part..

im still holding on.

its difficult but i cant seem to move on no matter how hard i try! :3

well, nothing i can do for now. 

LIFE GOES ON!

haha..

will be back soon.

stay tuned! :D

byeeee!